So, it's been a while and now Jackie's turn! Wow, this girl is someone I never thought would be a daughter of mine....she's so beautiful, mysterious, fashionable, comfortable in her own skin, poised and someone who can get me to do just about anything for her. Now don't get me wrong, all my girls are so awesome and I am so blessed to be their mother. But Jackie has always had my heart tucked away in her pocket. Maybe it's because I really thought she would be my last child. I held on to her much tighter then Jess and Julia, they were already off to school and I would sit with my happy little 4 y/o on my lap in my rocking chair. Her with her blanket and thumb and me in motherly bliss! I wanted to hold on the toddler, dependent stage just a little longer with her as I thought it would my last chance to have someone look to me for so much. As she grew up and became more her own person the difference between her and the other girls grew. She used to love the hand me down clothes then one day when she was about 8 and turned up her nose to them I told her she'd better get a job 'cause I would not be supporting her clothes horse habit. She has more clothes then her sisters and me all put together and I'm happy to say I've hardly purchased any of them.
I've learned so much from her and have been through just as much or more with her. And now we laugh at each other, at ourselves, at the people in the car in front of us and at the tiny little things that make us mother and daughter and soooo much alike, make sure you mention how alike we are when you see her....she absolutely loves it!!!! Hahaha, NOT

What can I say about Julia! My second daughter that I was blessed with. I knew from the age she was 2 years old that she would be a force to be reckoned with . I'd never seen such a strong will in a child and I knew that even though life with her would be challenging it would never be dull. I also knew she would pave her own way and do whatever it took to get where and what she wanted. She has such an infectious smile that compliments her very grown up demeanor and serious side. She is the best big sister to her 'baby', Olivia and makes special one-on-one time to continue growing the special relationship they share. She's an all-grown up 18 year old and I see so much of myself in her that it is scary at times but also makes me very proud. Through her God has taught me so much and used her to soften some of my rough edges. I love you my sweet and sassy Julia!

So I thought I would do a seperate posting for each of my girls because they are all amazing and amazingly different and deserve their own space not only on this blog but in the world. Jessica will be 23 in April and was and still is the best kid I have ever had the privledge of knowing. If you have had the opportunity to meet her and spend even a short time with her you would agree. I think she has given me 5 tough days her whole life. She is funny, sincere, down to earth and possesses a true beauty inside and out with no effort.....she just is. She has an awesome relationship with a man who treats her like a princess and they have a mutual respect for one another.

Like all my children she is saved and still trying to find her way to her journey like so many of us.

Because her dad and I divorced while she was still an infant you might say we grew up together. I am still not sure who taught who more. She has shown me more grace then any other person on this earth and has loved me and through and through even with all of the mistakes that I have made as a mother. I am proud to know her, to call her my friend and truly blessed to be able to call myself her mother.

Sooooo, I guess I'm back. Not that I went anywhere in the past few years, I actually don't remember the last time I blogged. And to be honest I'm not exactly sure why I am blogging again other then the simple reason that I've been asked on two different occasions if I do blog. Well, anyway I think an update is in order......
I still have 4 girls, I'm still single and I'm still trying to stay on the journey that God is laying before me. I have switched to Saddleback Church and have never had as much affirmation from God that it was the best move I've ever made and a move that He knew was necessary for the path He laid for me.

So let me break it down.....Yes, I still have 4 girls even though 2 of them spent some time in Florida with their dad, one of them returning after 9 months and the other just came home a month ago after being their 2 years. So, you might ask why did they go to live with their dad, well lets just say their actions got them there. Believe me it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do but God kept telling me that is exactly where they needed to be and He also promised me He would not only reconcile them back to me but also back to Him. So what did this journey look like and how did it play out and what was necessary on my part to rely completely on My Great Counselor????? Initially there was relief after I made the decision that my house would no longer be a battlefield for Satan and then simply a calm that filled the emptiness that was left by them. With just Jessica, Olivia and I the house was incredibly quiet. Then there was the mild depression I slipped into that I didn't even realize had happened until it was over. But the most important reason for having them not with me any more became clearly evident and necessary.....I did not want to be the same person or mother when they returned back to me. So, pretty much what I said to God was please take this lumpy, broken pile of clay and dump it right in the trash and start from scratch to mold and shape me into the person He saw in my mothers womb over 40 years ago. I surrendered myself to the Master Potter and on my knees asked for forgiveness for all the wrong turns I had taken as a mother. I would pray nightly for God to transform me because to have Him return my girls back to the same mother I was when they left would have meant that sending them to live with their dad was all for nothing.

Which brings me to the 2nd change in my life, moving to Saddleback Church, a place I never thought I would worship at, I mean just the parking lot scared me! So why the switch? To put it simply and somewhat succintly I had realized that as a single Christian woman I needed a spiritual leader and with no prospects of an earthly partner I knew it had to be my church. And even though I loved my small church where I had grown so much I knew it was time to move on. The roller coaster had begun! I entered a 30 week Christian Counseling program at Saddleback, graduated and became a lay counselor for the church. I have been serving in this way for nearly a year and have been so blessed to see the Holy Spirit work in the different women brought to me by God. What an honor!

Oh, and yes, I'm still single even though I did have a relationship wherein God revealed so much to me about where I thought I was in my walk to where I actually was in His eyes and with the ending of that story even though I am very happy in my new found singleness again,I still have to ask God to help me be still and surrender it all to Him and most importantly that I no longer 'search' but wait to be 'found' by a truly genuine Godly man if and when the Keeper of the Stars brings someone into my life. Oh, and also to give only Him the key to my heart knowing that only He can place that key in the hands of the one worthy and chosen by Him for me.

So that's a little glimpse of where I am now.....there is so much more but it's late and I'm meeting a dear friend for coffee in the morning.

Teens

I remember when my first dauther turned into a teenage....almost everyone started giving me condolences, which I took offense to. How unfair to judge a person simply by their age without even meeting them. And why do they get such a bad rap? Why do we think that teens chose to be misunderstood. Who of us would want to even remember that part of our lives not to mention re-live them.

We, as parents, give them the impression that they are 'mini-adults'. With phrases like 'you whould know better', 'you're older, try to be more patient' and 'I shouldn't have to tell you to clean your room anymore'. But when they try to exert some of that independence we reel them back in and try to remind them whose boss. And those are just some of the pressures within the family home. Can we even start to list the many influences that are thrust on teens from all angles? Now I'm not saying that we didn't have it rough in our day but with just the media alone they are exposed to so much more than we ever were. I have both a computer and a TV in my home but because I work outside the home I put parental controls on both. It's not to keep my daughters from tuning to channels or websites that are not appropriate for them but to keep what todays society deems appropriate for them. Teens are exposed to what adults are being exposed to without proper education and the maturity needed to filter the material they are hit with at a rapid-fire speed.

And then there is SCHOOL! Oh my goodness, don't even get me started! When my oldest was finishing her freshman year she begged me to let her go to Silverado, a continuation school in the district. I told her kids don't aspire to go there, however, because of all the ridiculous, exagerated, dramatic behavior that she witnessed and the tempermental mood swings that happened around her that was all she wanted to do. I begged her to get into a club, which she did and had a pretty normal and, yes, happy finish. Then my second daughter entered high school. And not only have the commercials gotten more risque but with the technological advances she has to deal with Ipods and text messaging going on in the classroom. Well, let's just say that we've decided to do education in a different format then traditional schooling.

Another big mistake I see that happens, especially with boys, is that parents think they no longer want to be bothered with 'family stuff' so when mom and dad and the younger ones are going to the mall to find shoes for little Timmy the teens are staying home. Or worse, allowed to go 'hang out' with no supervision. So what the teen now thinks is not only that mom and dad don't want them to be around but that they don't care anymore to monitor their comings and going. So if mom and dad don't care anymore why should they and their self value starts a decline. Well, I don't care how much they moan and groan about having to do 'family stuff' drag them anyway, you'll both be happier in the long run.

So, I guess in closing what I'm trying to say is wherever you are, whatever you are doing stop, get on your knees and pray! Pray for the teens in your home, the ones at school, those who go to church and are still trying to figure out why and even for those teens you don't know. And the next time you run into a teen talk to them, try to chat with them. They might be shocked at first that an adult is talking to them and showing an interest and you'll probably just get a 1 to 3 word answer but maybe they'll remember that and think that someone actually does care and you'll eventually start having some pretty amazing conversations. But I caution you, no matter what they tell you, don't ever be shocked with what they say, they may never share anything else with you again.

Oh, and one more thing, don't make the mistake that I did, those teens that you stop to talk with, start with the teens in your own home.